Woke up a little while ago from a nightmare. Alone. Not a good omen as far as my day is concerned. It's about 2:00am as a write this, and my first thoughts on my birthday are frightening and sad. I couldn't go back to sleep after that, and with no one there to soothe my fears and convince me I wasn't going to just fall back to sleep and have the same nightmare... I just stayed up. I must have been snoring again although I don't remember my husband waking me up like he usually does to try and get me to stop snoring.
Sadly, I'm not really all that surprised. The last thing I remember before going to sleep tonight was me whimpering a bit when my husband said goodnight. I had been hoping for a back rub but I suppose he must have been too tired. I remember an aggravated, "What!?" in response to my whimpering, and so I just told him "I love you" and went on to sleep.
These past several days have been bad, emotionally if not physically. I just feel so unwanted. I mentioned to my husband that I'd like to be intimate with him. That was somewhere around a week and a half ago and yet he's shown no sign of interest in me. It was bad enough that I had a lapse into depression last weekend. I decided that perhaps I needed to make myself more appealing, so I got a hot bath and shaved and exfoliated and lotioned up my skin with his favorite smelling lotion. My legs were about a smooth and soft as they could ever be. I figured this might help since my husband is definitely a leg man. I let him touch them and stroke them that night and the night or two after, but he wasn't interested.
I finally told him a couple of nights ago that I wanted to go to bed early with him and was told that he didn't feel like going to bed yet. When I explained to him why I wanted to get in bed early, I got a response of "I'm not feeling up to it tonight." He had had a long day at work and since he went to the gym too, he was apparently worn out. He then turned from me and resumed playing his online game. I just felt heartbroken. That's the only word for it. I've pretty much felt that way ever since.
My husband claims to be attracted to me, but his actions speak otherwise. I'm a very strong believer in "actions speak louder than words," so his words are becoming more and more meaningless to me in that regard. It's very hard for me to believe that a man would find me so attractive and so sexy, but wouldn't want to take me to bed. In fact, it seems like he's been intentionally avoiding it. There are many nights that he won't even tell me he's going to bed. I'll just realize that his computer's been turned off, and when I go in the bedroom, there he is. By the time I get myself ready for bed the lights are already turned out. I don't even get the pleasure of seeing him or talking to him for a few minutes before bed, and that makes me very sad.
This isn't the first time this has happened. This is a continuing pattern. I keep hoping for it to get better, but so far I've seen minimal improvement. I honestly just don't think he cares enough about my needs to do anything about it. Even so, I'm sad that it seems to be a chore for my husband to make love to me.
For now, I'm just heartbroken, and I don't know what to do about it. My body and my spirit crave my husband. I don't want anyone else, and no one else could fill this emptiness in my heart. I just wish he'd see that.
